


the story of us

by arghzu



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Aged-Up Losers Club (IT), Angst and Feels, Eventual Fluff, F/M, Freeform, Happy Ending, M/M, Mutual Pining, Richie Tozier is a Mess, The Losers Club Are Good Friends (IT)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:42:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23817097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arghzu/pseuds/arghzu
Summary: Eddie Kaspbrak has had a girlfriend for a few weeks now, and Richie's bitter because one, he has a girlfriend; and two, he thinks he's losing his best friend.This is less angsty than it sounds, just some dorky teenagers in-love. Oh, and Richie's forced to act in a play.I don't know how to write summaries.
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 14
Kudos: 71





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written anything in a few months so please bare with me if this is subpar! This originally was supposed to be just self-indulgement and never posted...heh. 
> 
> If you don't like it/have some suggestions for me to work on, please do tell!! I'm trying to get back on writing during quarantine (STAY SAFE)! 
> 
> Please also tell me if you'd like another part lmao
> 
> K bye!! 💓

"I love you, Eddie. Even if the whole world goes against us, the last person I want to ever be with is you!"

Richie cries out, almost too dramatically. Eddie grins and shakes his head, he flips the script in his hands closed as he playfully glares at his best friend.

"Rich, I know you want to have the best performance in the play but for the last time; the character's name is Susie."

"Yeah I know. It just sounds better with your name in it, Eds! Makes it more dramatic."

"Don't call me that! And why does it-"

Eddie was cut off by his own phone ringing, immediately fishing it out of his pocket. He gestures to the other that he'd be right back, showing that the caller was his girlfriend. Richie nods with a small smile, watching him leave the room.

The smile drops instantly, rolling his eyes and looking back down at his own copy of the script. He begins to silently run through his lines, not having the same level of energy as he had with Eddie.

About a month ago, the school had decided that their level would have a project for their literature class. And even if there was an option to not participate and take the regular classes, Richie never expected to be put into the acting committee.

The reason behind the whole play was because the school wanted to "end the year with a bang". Everyone thought it was stupid but really, they had no choice.

On the bright side however, knowing that some would rather die than do a play, they still made regular Literature classes available for a specific amount of students.

But for Richie; he would rather be stuck painting cardboard than listen to Mr. Fritz for more than week. And the same went for Bev and Ben. 

Well, Ben attended the classes still. He only went with Bev because he wanted her happy, plus he didn't really mind since there was nothing to miss in the discussions. 

The rest of the Losers stayed for the classes, not bothered at all because they'd be sharing one room. Richie, Bev and Ben went straight for the props committee. 

However, the committee was already full when Bev and Ben's names were listed. So Richie was forced to join another committee. Much to his dismay, the only available team left was the acting team. 

And he ended the day pissed.

He attended all meetings late, and the head of the team was extremely furious with him but neither of them had a choice. Richie did grow to love his character, and his acting wasn't that bad. It didn't take long for him to grow comfortable and make peace.

Of course, his friends didn't miss the chance of mocking him. They never would imagine Richie, out of all people, doing a play involving romance and zero comedy.

And it riled him up greatly, so he convinced them all to visit one of his rehearsals (because Bev ditched the first few meetings, she didn't get to see Richie practice). The slight shock and amusement on their faces was all he needed that day.

The play was next week Tuesday; today was Friday, after school. 

Today, Eddie agreed to help him rehearse his lines, actions and all the shit he needed. This was also one of Richie's bright ideas to snatch his best friend back. 

"Hey, uh, Rich?"

He was knocked out of his thoughts by Eddie's soft voice, not missing the trace of guilt and nervousness in it. Richie already knew what he was going to say, and it upset him.

"If it's Emily asking you to meet up or something; go ahead. She's your girlfriend."

"I'm sorry Richie, but thank you so much."

Eddie walks up to the bed, collecting his bag and handing his copy of the script back to Richie. Almost throwing it at him since he was moving so hastily. 

"You can help me tomorrow though, right?"

"Yeah! I promise, Rich. And you don't have to walk me down, just continue practicing!"

The last sentence became faint as he ran out the room, speeding for the front door. Once Richie knew he had left, he groans loudly.

He couldn't recall the last time they had a proper time with one another; just the two of them in their own little world. Richie could never admit to himself that he was bitter over Emily, for he would feel guilty about it. 

Because Eddie was happy with her. 

At that thought, he closed his eyes and sighed. _Right. Eddie is happy with Emily._

Knowing he'd get nothing done, he throws both scripts onto his desk and jumps onto his bed. He wanted to yell into his pillow, hoping it woud take every shitty thing away from him.

At least he promised. He thought to himself, trying to find the silver lining in the situation. Though, this is not the first time he had to say it. Eddie ditched and cancelled before; all for Emily.

Richie buries his face into one of the pillows, trying to figure out who to turn to now. Luckily, he didn't have to waste much time as he got up and immediately dialed for Bev on his phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Bev."

"Trashmouth! God, I'm glad you called. Painting gets tiring when you do it for school."

"Didn't the phone show my caller ID?"

"I didn't look. What's up? How's finally having the chance to hangout with Eddie?"

He scowls, leaning back onto his headboard. The girl at the other end cringes, wishing she never asked.

"That's why you called?"

"Bev, listen, I'm happy for him. I really fucking am. All I want is for Eddie to be happy even if it isn't with me, you know?"

"I know, Rich. But that doesn't mean he gets to treat you like you guys didn't spend almost your entire childhood together. When was the last time you guys hung out?"

"The day before he got with Emily."

Richie didn't mean to sound so agitated. After Eddie had officially started dating her, all their hangouts only went as far as planning. He never knew that the time they spent talking about it _was_ the hangout. 

It was always Emily this, Emily that. Richie didn't mind at first, no harm was being done despite the cancelled gatherings and such. Until he noticed how he almost never got to see or be with his own best friend anymore.

He was okay with losing the potential love of his life (he had come to accept it as he had no other choice really), not losing his long-life best friend.

They didn't even see Eddie at lunch. Only in their classes and at the end of the day, but even then he doesn't walk with them home or when going to someone's house. 

"Have you..tried talking to him about it?"

"I think my heart's actually going to shit if I tried to, Bev."

"Not as someone crushing on him, Richie. As his best friend. He's treating you like otherwise! I don't want to think it's all intentional. Eddie's a kind guy, you know?"

"Yeah I know. And either way, I still can't bring it up. As a pining motherfucker or as his best friend, I just can't. I'm scared he'll get mad and start going on about how much she means to him and **I-ugh, no thank you**."

Bev couldn't help but crack a smile, he was starting to sound like a huge drama queen. 

"Well..you want us to console you? Maybe I can ask Bill and the others to help me break out and come visit you."

"Nah..I'll just work on my scenes I guess."

"Alright..would be nice to escape though.."

Richie finally chuckles. 

"Goodluck, Bev."

"Yeah you too. And Richie? It'll be okay. Eddie isn't like this, you and I know that."

"See you tomorrow, pumpkin spice."

"See ya, trashmouth."  
-  
Thus, it was Saturday.

Richie fell asleep with his script in hand. After the call with Bev, he forced himself to continue practicing. He spent almost the whole night rehearsing lines, awkwardly acting out scenes, and trying to perfect his facial expressions. He felt absolutely stupid but it should be worth it.

The only time he woke up was when his phone notified him of a message, reluctantly getting up and cursing himself for forgetting to silent his phone.

His eyes were lidded but he could make out that the message was from Bill. Richie tries to blink away the sleepiness, forcing himself to adjust to the bright sun and to finally wake up.

" **Hey Richie. Bev told us about yesterday. Sorry it happened again to you, hope you're feeling better. Want us to come over or vice versa?** "

Richie smiles widely at the concern, wanting to do nothing but thank them endlessly.

" **Sleep helps with previous night booboos. And thanks. I'm good for today, Eddie promised he'd come over and you know...that shit. So you guys enjoy today!** "

" **Tell him we say hi if ever, then. Take care, see you soon trashmouth! Stan also says hi.** "

" **Stan the man?** "

" **Shut up. -Stan** "

He closes his phone, smile never fading for just a bit. Richie was glad to have friends that chose no sides. If they did, Richie and Eddie would actually not be friends today and the Losers Club would probably have been jeopardized. 

They all knew of Richie's feelings towards Eddie; it was really obvious anyways. Each of them knew how to understand the two as separate people, supporting them through the good times and comforting them when otherwise. 

Everyone managed to remain close with Eddie and show support while also being there for Richie; without ruining their relationship as a group. 

And despite Eddie's occuring slight absence in the group; whenever they were able to hangout together, everyone cherished each second. 

Richie shakes his head to stop himself for thinking, looking down at the page where he stopped. Maybe I should eat first. 

Before he could leave his room to go down and grab a bowl of cereal, his phone vibrates once more. It was Bill again.

" **By the way..Stan, Ben, Bev and I are going out to the movies. So if you need anyone, call Mike**."

" **Double dating?** "

" **Initially, no. We wanted everyone to come. A sad attempt but, still worth a shot you know. Mike couldn't come with us, and you and Eddie already have plans so..** "

" **Enjoy then, asshats! Thank you for telling me, you guys really love me huh?** "

" **Really, shut up. -Stan** "

After pressing 'Send', he heads downstairs to make himself a bowl of breakfast.  
-  
His parents were out to God knows where, so he just sat in the living room watching random shows while eating a bowl of Lucky Charms. 

He still was hoping to receive a text message from Eddie. To read that he was coming over to help him rehearse, just to spend time with him like before. 

_God that's so gay_. His face scrunches up at the realization, taking the last spoonful of cereal and drinking the milk straight from the bowl. He sets it down on the coffee table in front of him, cringing when he sees the ash tray on it.

He smokes, yes. Usually with Bev, or when having serious difficulty with a certain thing. But the ash tray infront of him now looked like a complete catastrophe.

"Jesus fuck."

He mumbles, retracting his previous action and turning off the television. He leaves the bowl in the sink and decides to just make a mental note to clean it later. 

After the heated debate of whether he should shower early or not, Richie ended up staying in the bathroom for more than 20 minutes. He spent the time singing his problems away, be it angsty songs or up-beat pop songs. 

Once he got back to his room and got dressed, he went to his desk and sat down. The second copy was still on it so he lazily flipped through it, seeing small annotations and comments. 

This was Eddie's copy. And yes, he got himself a second script just for Eddie. 

Richie couldn't help but laugh at a few of the side notes, noticing the change of color in ink half way through. " _He was complaining about the busted multi-inked pen_." He thinks to himself.

_You're supposed to be angry here. How do you manage to sound so flirty when the scene portrays anger???_

He could almost here the complaint in Eddie's voice, despite being absent. The sincere confusion, furrowed eyebrows and high-pitched voice of annoyance was still so vivid to Richie. It was as if Eddie was right in front of him. 

And he just couldn't help but smile sadly. He really did miss him and their times together. As his best friend and as a person who was head over heels, Richie Tozier missed him dearly. 

He sets down the script and breathes out. If he lets himself linger in thoughts like this, the boy might actually shed tears of grief.

"Goddamnit, Eds."

It was a whisper but it contained all sorrow and frustration. It was heavy. 

It took him less than a second to drop the papers and shake his head furiously, as if all his problems would flick out of his body with every move. He became dizzy afterwards but nodded to himself, transferring to his own bed to read from the original script.

"Honestly, Susie, just drop the act already. The whole campus knows you're in love with me."

" **Stop lying to yourself, Chris. I'm with somebody else and to be real with you, I'm happy with him!** " 

He tried to mimick the sound of a young, naive teenage girl. Mainly because that's what was put for Susie's character description, and because it was the most fitting set of adjectives.

Richie could never string enough words to express how much he hated the plot. It was too cliche to his own liking; as if the scriptwriters tried too hard to make it seem so romantic. 

The only thing he loved was how his character needed to be portrayed. For him, Chris was just Richie Tozier. Loud-mouthed, handsome, and absolutely charming. 

Snarky, conceited and annoying were other adjectives the production team also wrote, but Richie just...pushes those aside. 

"Oh come on, Susie! You'd be in heaven if you just admit that you like me!"

" **But I don't! Why would I like you, Chris? What's so great about you that Finn can't compete with?** "

"The shithead-" Richie laughs at himself, realizing that that was definitely not in the script, "The jerk isn't me!"

" **And I don't want it to be you! I want it to be Finn!** "

At that dialogue, Richie's breathing hitched. He felt himself start to warm up and sweat, growing uncomfortable and uneasy with the emotions stirring within him. He didn't know if it was still the aftermath from the head shaking earlier, but he was starting to feel nauseous. 

He couldn't help but picture Eddie in the scene. With him as his own character, Emily as Finn, and Eddie..well, as Susie. 

He began to think that maybe it really just wasn't going to be him; that it wasn't meant to be, that all those years of friendship will only remain as such, that he wasn't going to be Eddie's first kiss. Or his first in anything, really. 

Maybe all those flustered moments between them had no background, that those sweet touches and soft moments of gazing at each other was a blank. 

Or maybe, this was the end. If Eddie wanted to have him at least just as a best man in the future or his best friend for life, he'd try harder to hangout, right? He'd put more effort into staying and not run to his girlfriend 24/7. 

Richie wasn't just nauseous at this point. He was physically unable to move, control, or even think. His vision had blurred out and his breathing wasn't catching up to him.

"What the fuck is happening?"

And a thought he never thought to pass by came in; the inhaler.

With his eyes instantly switching to the bag by his bedside, he darted for it. He hurt his knee at the impact but once he held it, he only had one thing in mind and could not stop throwing everything out.

The sight of the extra inhaler he kept for Eddie entranced him for a second, doubting if it would help or if it was even a healthy decision.

" _I don't really have any other options._ "

He thinks to himself before shaking the inhaler and hastily placing it in between his lips, breathing in and spraying desperately. 

And it worked somehow; it helped him breathe. He laid on the ground for a moment, fazed by what just happened and trying to regain composure. Richie blinked a couple of times, staring at the inhaler and sitting up slowly. His breathing was still a little shaky and his vision was misty, but it was far better than earlier.

Richie's thoughts were a complete mess. Though this wasn't the first time for him to overthink, this definitely was his first time to have a panic attack. At least, what he thinks was a panic attack. Richie could only close his eyes and frown, sighing out the misery. 

"Maybe I just don't like how the story resembles us, Eds."

After making sure he was fine, he stands up and lays on the bed. He checks his phone, unsure if he was still hopeful for a text or not. His heart jumped at Eddie's name on the screen, unlocking too quickly and checking the message.

" _Richie, Emily wants to hangout again. I'm really sorry but I can't help you rehearse. I'll try again tomorrow, I'm really sorry._ "

At this point, he didn't know how to react. So he just let himself type in anything, just to get the notification out of his way.

" _You don't have to come tomorrow. Thanks, anyways._ "

It was shorter and colder than anticipated, but he already sent it so there was really no point in turning back. The day was still early–it was already nearing 1 pm since he woke up at 12 but that's besides his point–so he decided to get back to rehearsing later.

The story sucked anyways.  
-  
"I thought you weren't allowed out?"

"Not allowed to go the movies is different from that. I'm allowed to go to a close friend's house."

Richie ended up calling for Mike to have some comfort he never knew he needed. He didn't even have to speak twice, for Mike already told him that he'd be over under 20 minutes.

A man true to his word. 

"So..I never really go to your house all too much, sorry if I feel too awkward."

"It's alright, Mike. I don't..have visitors, usually."

Richie adored Mike with all his being. Alongside Ben, they were the most innocent and caring ones in their group. They were literal angels sent down to make sure the rest of the Losers Club don't go batshit crazy. 

Mike was someone who understood easily, and Richie was incredibly grateful for it. 

They were in Richie's bedroom, random songs playing on the radio and the window slightly open to let in the cool breeze. Mike sat at the desk and Richie on his bed, cleaning up the mess he had made beforehand. 

He had forgotten where he put the inhaler until Mike held it up, looking at his friend questioningly. Richie's face flushed with slight embarassment, the only person who knew about the extra inhaler was..well..Eddie.

"I uh..I have that for Eddie. Whenever he has an attack and he forgot his own inhaler."

"You have it bad for him, huh?"

"It also saved my ass earlier but yeah, we've been knew Mikey."

Mike's eyebrows raised in slight surprise, not expecting Richie to say that he used, that he needed, the inhaler. The expression made the other groan, stuffing the rest of his things into his bag.

"I mean..nothing wrong with it, Rich. It's just..you're usually so well-kept, you know? You're never run over by emotions."

"I didn't say it was a panic attack! Maybe the cigars finally caught up and gave me asthma."

Mike shakes his head, standing up and approaching the bed to sit down beside Richie. He had a smile of sympathy, which was also oozing with kindness that it almost threw all problems away.

He puts a hand on Richie's shoulder, patting it slightly and giving him back the inhaler. The latter didn't know what to say; for the first time he was rendered speechless. He just had no clue because he knew that Mike knew. 

"It's alright, Richie. Emotions are difficult to deal with all the time."

"I just..I don't get it, Mike."

"It isn't entirely Eddie's fault.."

Richie's expression softened, a small frown playing at his own lips. He knew that.

"I..I know. I know he wouldn't want to..do this. Maybe he's just oblivious or some shit but, it still is painful. To see him like..fade away or something like that."

Mike nods understandingly, knowing that it wasn't Richie's forté to be detailed about his emotions towards Eddie. He knew it was strong, but difficult to put into words. 

As for the other, this was his first time actually expressing his feelings towards the current situation. Well, properly. It wasn't the best set of words to describe, but he knew his friend got the gist. 

"I just didn't think Eddie would let her do it."

"I don't think he wants her to. He probably just doesn't see it, like you said. Caught up with having a relationship, or uh..along those lines."

"But Mike-"

"You can give so much better? I'm sure, Richie. But Eddie just..just hasn't realized it yet. It isn't his fault. And it isn't yours, either." 

Richie bites his bottom lip anxiously, averting his vision to the curtains that was being blown on by the winds. 

"Do you think he'll ever realize, Mike?"

It was almost like a whisper, and his voice had weakened out. Mike looks at him worriedly, trying to read out the expression on his face. His eyes avoided him and his hands were fidgeting wildly. 

Mike also didn't miss the slight gloss in Richie's eyes, despite the glasses. So he quickly pulls him in for a hug, thinking that he needed one from someone he knew. 

And his thoughts were confirmed when Richie returns it immediately, decreasing in size as he basked in the feeling of comfort after so long. 

"He has to, Rich."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter goes in depth with Richie's feelings again. Stan and Ben give him the talk he needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggle with comedy and the timeline of technology. I had to put the 'Freeform' tag in because when I realized what phone I was having them use and how it contradicted the IRL timeline, I've already written 1,500+ words :') 
> 
> Fixing it would require me erasing a whole chunk of dialogues and other parts so, in desparation, I just put the tag in.
> 
> Hope this is okay! 💓

Richie asked Mike to help him rehearse for the rest of the day, they ended at four then also decided to hangout until seven. When Mike left, he hugged his friend; smiling reassuringly and telling him that it was going to be okay. 

The other just returned the smile, nodding and feeling some type of warmth in his chest.

"Thanks, Mikey."

"See ya, Rich!"

And then he was off. When he got back to his room, he decided to check on the rest of his friends by texting their group chat.

_Trashmouth Supreme: hey, any of you asshats home?_

_Ben-: I'm on my way home._   
_-verly: yeah, ben just dropped me off_

_Stan-: Why did we keep these cheesy nicknames?_   
_-borough: it's cute shut the hell up_   
_-borough: yes we're home_

_Mikey Handslon: why is this my nickname, Richie?_   
_Trashmouth Supreme: cause you're handsome_   
_-borough: it just sounds like his hands are long_

And the talk continued on like that. They all spoke as if they were together; as if they were just in front of the other.

No one mentioned the lack of replies from a certain person. Not because they didn't care, but because they didn't want it to seem like he wasn't there. To put it into sense, they just wanted Eddie to feel like he hasn't been distant. 

The last time they were able to talk to Eddie was Friday, at school. Well, for Richie it was yesterday at least. He was able to join them for lunch that day, and it all felt like there was no third party clinging onto Eddie like he was life support. 

It felt absolutely great. Richie was as hyper as he usually was and everyone couldn't spend a second without laughing. 

The downside was, it only happened during Friday's. Emily has this meeting she needed to attend–a meeting for her club that Eddie had no idea was about–every Friday, lunch. Richie liked to call it their 'Free Time'.

 _"It's always going to be different."_ These were words Eddie spoke one time, during Free Time. It was soft-spoken, as if he wanted to keep the idea only to himself. But Richie always paid attention to him; he was always listening.

He just had no idea what he meant by it. 

**"Hey Richie. Bill's forcing me to check up on you because, apparently, I'm the only one who hasn't. Did Ben message you already?"**

**"No, haystack hasn't sent anything yet."**

**"See! I'm not the last one!"**

Richie always smiled when he was texting any of his friends; it just made him feel all joyous and like he could take on the world with them. He's never going to admit that to the Losers Club but he knows his actions say enough. 

**"You're still going to check on me though right, Stanley?"**

**"Just don't tell anyone else. I know even comedians get tired of laughing all the time."**

**"I'm alright, Stanny."**

He knew he wasn't. By 'he', meaning both Stan and Richie. Stan left him on read but he was still worried, just failing to express it in the way he wanted. Richie didn't mind though, he was convinced that his friend was concerned and that he cared.

Ever since the not-so-secret came out that Richie liked Eddie, everyone else was heavily supportive. And it only grew when Emily was put into the picture. 

They decided to start checking up on Richie when they noticed the increase of amount in cigars, which he only did when stressed or upset; or when the arcade failed to ease him. Richie was greatly thankful for it.

But, like mentioned before, they weren't going to have some special treatment on Richie. They still helped Eddie when things were tough on Emily, because he was happy with her. Richie told everyone that he was going to grow a pair and learn to accept it but, he hasn't done any progress.  
-  
The night came by like a hare, Richie not even realizing it until he heard the front door open and close. His parents were back home; not like it changed anything because it was still silent and they didn't check up on him. 

He usually wasn't bothered by it, he learned not to be a long time ago. But right now, he felt like there was an itch impossible to scratch. The free space in his bed felt too..empty, and he knew why but didn't accept it. 

During Saturday nights, Eddie would always visit. Usually, Richie would head out and sneak into Eddie's room via open window; but Saturday's were different.

It was always Eddie going through the window, followed by hushed complaints and agitated noises because, _"Why can't I just sneak through the front door?!"_. Richie found himself staring at his window, still open and hopeful. 

They never knew why Saturday was so special; why it wasn't Richie biking all the way to the other's house and throwing tiny rocks. Why it was Eddie having the need to get out and see Richie; to see him when everyone else slept peacefully. 

But tonight, and quite possibly for the rest of his Saturday nights, Eddie was not going to be visiting him. Richie, who was still keen on hoping for his best friend to appear, reluctantly got up and approached his window; closing it shut. 

"Who knew locking a window could make me so emotional, goddamn."

He muttered to himself, swiftly heading back to the bed like he just planted a bomb. Richie couldn't help but gaze longingly though, still faithful on hearing rocks hitting his window. 

The phone in his hands vibrated, indicating that someone was calling. He slowly looked down and saw that it was Ben. 

"Stan told me I was the last to check and made me guilty."

"What an ass..but he's our ass."

"Are you okay, Richie? I hope you didn't have another...attack..while we were out and when Mike left."

"He told you?"

It wasn't a question of anger, it was all lined with fear. He wasn't so sure what he was afraid of, but he felt it within himself when the words rang in his ears. 

"I..wasn't supposed to tell you. But Mike told us through a separate groupchat."

"Separate chat? Without me and Eds?"

"Yeah..for how to check up on you and all that stuff. It was a group decision."

"You guys don't have to do that! I'm not some kid who's gonna collapse any second or some shit. I can manage."

He wanted to belt out a laugh of bitterness when he declared it out. Richie didn't know what he felt, but he liked the word guilt. The hammering in his chest that grew with every single lie he told; with every reassurance and joke he said to lift the mood.

"Rich, I don't want to be that person but..you _are_ some kid who's gonna collapse any second. Emotionally, at least."

"Ben-"

Before he could continue his plea of clemency–because at this point, Ben being straightforward and reading right through him was torture–the latter had cut him off.

"You had a panic attack over him, Richie. But you still insist on telling us you're okay, like you're not selling yourself out to heartbreak."

Richie became uneasy; uncomfortable to his very core. He put down his phone for a moment, closing his eyes and mindlessly drifting off into other thoughts. 

It only resulted with him looking back at the window; chest tightening and mind revolting. 

Half of him was screaming to open it and sneak out himself, to visit Eddie and just spend the night together. The other half was crying out to him to stay; to not hurt himself more than he already has. 

"Rich? I didn't mean to be so straightforward..I'm sorry if I caught you off-guard."

Richie couldn't make out the exact words, but he heard the apology in it. He raises his phone back to his ear, composing himself in order to make a response. 

"It's alright, haystack. I think..I think that was something I had to hear."

"I should let you rest. I..suppose I've said too much already."

"You've said enough, Ben. I needed it, really."

He smiled as if his friend could see, wanting to reassure him that it was truly okay.

"I'll go now. You should rest, try talking to us again tomorrow! Or, I don't know.."

"Sure will, Ben."

"Man it's so weird not hearing you yell and call me some nickname.."

"Filter your words, for fucks sake!"

He couldn't help but laugh at the hidden innuendo in his friend's sentence, making the other laugh lightly as well. They said their goodnight's and Richie was alone again.

This time, he wasn't staring at the window anymore. He was just thinking about his thoughts earlier; of the lies and guilt and all. Richie cringed at this, sighing deeply and shaking his head.

After he stopped using cigars as his coping mechanism–Eddie began to notice the increasingly evident tobacco smell–he turned to what he did best; joking.

Even when he was feeling like absolute garbage after seeing Eddie and Emily flirt, he pushes it all aside by making an alarming amount of jokes. It masked everything so well that his problem..didn't look all that bad.

And the rest of the Losers Club didn't pick it up until one day; where Richie choked on his words while saying another pleasantry, eyes glued on Eddie's arms around Emily. 

During that day, he paid too much attention and fueled his emotions to the brim. He worked himself up but, as he didn't want to come out with a problem, he tried to bombard his feelings with crude jokes. So seeing him like _that_ threw him off. 

That day they all figured it out; Richie was dangerously playing with his heart by suppressing every feeling. Bev had to comfort him all the way to Bill's house, trying to have him let it all out. But he didn't. 

"What the fuck is wrong with me?"

It came out louder than he wanted it to. The pure sincerity in his question would make anyone feel pity for him, and he hated it. 

He knew he was a person of subduing emotions. He never liked..being so upfront with what he felt, but it never was a problem for him because his friends always understood. They never needed to have deep talks about his own feelings, he only ever listened to the others.

Richie liked listening rather than spilling his guts out. Well, jokes and unfiltered phrases aside of course. 

Even when he began to like Eddie a few years ago, he didn't have any problems dealing with his emotions. Because he was convinced that it was reciprocated.

Eddie was always so responsive, intentional or not. Any time Richie found the chance to flirt, he was never shut down nor was he told to stop. Eddie would just simply blush wildly and tell him to shut up. So, throughout the years, Richie just believed they were going to end up together either way.

Until, the whole universe decided to shit on his beliefs and introduce Emily to Eddie. All those years of affection and, what Richie believed to be, a growing relationship was flushed way. So simply.

"God, fuck!"

It was a whisper but it turned into a quiet scream, straining his throat for a moment as he buried his face into his hands. He hated thinking about how naive he was before; well he still is, but that's not the point. 

Richie blamed himself for never speaking up, for being so afraid to tell Eddie about how he felt. He always told himself that Emily was just someone braver than him, which is why she deserved Eddie.

Richie believes that Eddie deserves someone brave with their emotions; someone who wouldn't hide it all away. But he also was..upset–never angry–with Eddie himself. Upset that he let himself out of the picture. 

He hated it, but it was one thing he couldn't put down so easily. He figured maybe Eddie was just as afraid as him, that he also couldn't find the words whenever the chance came. 

The speeding train of thoughts began to hurt his head, from the past to the present and so on. He had to stop at some point, or else he'll never know when to calm down and drive himself over the edge again. 

Richie wanted to sleep. He wanted to forget everything and drift off to somewhere safer, where he didn't have to be upset at Eddie or at their past or anything. Where regrets were illegal and thrown off into oblivion.

"Is it too late to call one of the Losers again?"

He questioned to himself, opening his phone to text the groupchat which left of with Stan saying he was going to eat..and never returning. 

**"Are you all asleep?"**

**"No."**

**"How was dinner, Stanley?"**

**"What do you want?"**

**"To call. Can't sleep."**

He thought Stan was about to type another excuse to get out and never return, but Richie was caught shocked when he received a call. A small grin made its way to his face.

"Be quiet. Everyone else is sleeping."

"Yeah, I know. Can't believe you called."

"What's wrong, Richie?"

Richie forgot he wasn't up for small talk, that Stan always got straight to the point. 

"Nothing new, Stan."

It wasn't traced with a tone of playful nor was it followed up with a joke. The other line went silent for a moment, Richie fully sinking down in his bed and finally laying his head on the pillow. He closes his eyes while waiting.

"Maybe it was a bad idea for me to expect I could help."

"Talking helps me beat insomnia, you're more helpful than you think."

"So..how are you doing?"

If Richie had a dollar for every time he was asked that, he'd have a bag filled with snacks enough for a whole week. He sighs with a sad smile, and it seemed to be enough for the other.

"I'm genuinely sorry you have to endure this pain, Richie."

"Thanks for emphasizing that you're genuine, Stanley."

"We're with you all the way, though. For both of you."

"I know, and I want to thank you shitheads for tolerating my ass."

"I am most certainly not a shithead, shithead."

Their talks were never as meaningful nor long or content-filled like the others, but it held just as much respect and platonic love. Stan didn't know how to express care for Richie–since he's usually annoyed by him, and they rarely call or talk serious–but it still existed. 

This was the silence they found comfortable; when it was between them. The only time Richie wouldn't be speaking every second, either because he was too deep in thought or feeling like shit. Or both. It was always encaptured in their rare calls.

"I honestly thought it'd be you."

"I did too."

"Maybe it will be."

He hated false hope but what else was he going to hold onto?

"And..I always knew you wouldn't grow a pair and accept it. I always knew."

"Hah, thanks Stan."

Richie smiled, recalling those words from when he said it himself. He didn't believe it either. Stan hums in response, probably trying to form the right words. 

"But that's because you love him. A lot."

His breathing hitched for what felt like the hundreth time today, smile disappearing into thin air. 

"Stan-"

"And honestly, Richie, you have to promise me that no matter what happens; you're never going to let something so strong fall out of place."

 _Well this is new._ Richie thinks to himself, confused but amused by the sudden pep-talk Stan was giving him. It was nice to hear, but tiring to put into mind.

"I think at some point I'll have to let it go. Even if I do love him, why should I hold onto something that clearly isn't reciprocated?"

Stan goes silent again, and Richie becomes anxious. Whatever he says next, it's going to run him over and affect everything he feels and thinks about. Because he needed this, the advice. The guidance. 

"I like to believe that Eddie's holding onto it too. All those years between you two? It's something special, I know it. But it takes bravery to face the unknown."

Richie felt it. The impact on his heart. He was made speechless at the words because, well, that's pointing back to what he said earlier while recalling all those memories and emotions. 

Bravery was what Eddie deserved. 

And here he was, Stan straight up telling him to be brave. The certainty in his voice touched Richie's soul, it felt like it reassured him and put him back into place.

"I don't know what your silence means but I'm basically telling you to grow a pair not to accept it, but to fight for it."

"Yeah I..I got you."

"I didn't mean for this call to turn so serious. You were just looking to get some sleep but I simply could not help myself. You both are my best friends."

"All my calls were serious today, it's weird to talk about shit like this. I feel like I'm on some reality show. Also, that's so sweet of you, Stanley!'

He could almost see the eye rolling, but he smiled greatly when he heard Stan speak with a tone that was traced with small happiness as well. He was smiling too.

"Maybe instead you should close your eyes.'

"That's probably a good idea, yeah.."

Stan says his final goodnight and ends the call himself, letting Richie finally sleep, or try to at least. The aforementioned puts his phone and glasses aside, looking up at the ceiling afterwards.

He knew he wouldn't be able to make a grand move and change the path he was going, but Stan's words were definitely engraved in his head.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please read the notes!
> 
> This is in Eddie's perspective now, and it's longer than usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly think this is a huge downgrade compared to the last two chapters. I'm really sorry if this is badly written, I will explain more in the end notes!
> 
> Please don't be afraid to criticize :(

Eddie Kaspbrak's Sunday morning had been the most peaceful one throughout the whole week. Since Emily wasn't texting yet, he basked in the silence and non-pressuring atmosphere for the time being. He had already eaten breakfast, bathed and gotten dressed all casually. 

Emily had asked him to go out again; this time with one of her close friends. She said that she wanted for the two of them to become friends, in order to " _See my two favorite people in one place!_ ". 

To be quite honest, Eddie didn't even want to see the sun at all. He was still riding on the guilt he had from ditching Richie twice, so his thoughts were not aligned. Since Emily never listened, he really had no choice.

  
He had been thinking a lot about his friends ever since his phone rang with all their messages in the groupchat. All he could do was read them then go back to Emily, because she's the type who'd want all eyes on her.

Eddie hasn't had the proper time to sit down and set things straight, and he knew why. The only problem was, there was never going to be a time of isolation. It wasn't obsession–or at least, Eddie liked to think so–but it wasn't anything acceptable either.

He glances at his phone and ponders; he had the groupchat open and was ready to type something. He wasn't exactly sure of what to put, not knowing how to justify his absence and all that. Eddie just needed to reconnect back to them, to say _something_.

The last conversation was Richie asking Stan to call. It was still too early for any of the others to be awake, so Eddie didn't have to worry about any..tension. If he did send a message.

"Come on, Kaspbrak. Just fucking type."

He whispered, still only staring at his phone. He didn't know what was holding him back anymore; if it was the pure guilt or the fear that grew in his heart. It felt so awkward to message them due to the disappearance and it hurt, because nothing was supposed to be weird with them.

His eyes linger at the message where Richie says he couldn't sleep, frowning and sighing lightly. Was it because he didn't visit?

Eddie didn't like to put himself on the spot like that, but he had an idea why Richie couldn't sleep. It could be his fault, and he's ready to admit it. Whenever he'd visit every Saturday night, where somehow the tobacco and alcohol smell was worse than ever, Richie was able to sleep peacefully.

It was always the same situation; never a change in the way it made both of them feel. Eddie, who'd climb through the window, would always find Richie laying on his bed and staring at the ceiling. There'd be no hint of joy until they look at each other.

The first time it happened, Eddie didn't know why. He just found himself on his bike and already at Richie's street. Then when he got through the window, scratched and irritated because the tree was a bitch, Richie was just getting ready to visit him.

It was awkward and silent, but Richie laughed and suddenly everything was alright. That night, they spent the time on Richie's bed and patching up all the small cuts Eddie had on his arms.

Then it became a routine every week. Until they didn't have to tend to bruises and it was just them fooling around. Just them enjoying each other's company.

Saturday was their day. It was _theirs._

Eddie always had this thought poking at the back of his head, never entertaining it. He didn't want to, because it scared him at that time. It scared the younger version of himself, but it made him feel so giddy at the same time.

Now, with his phone turned off and heart set aside, he closes his eyes. He began to crawl back to the thought he left behind; the reason why he went through Richie's window every week. Why it was so necessary.

Even now, it scared him. He couldn't even shake it off this time, but it still did make his heart turn and his stomach electric. The same feeling it gave when he was just 12.

_Maybe I only ever needed to see him all those times because I was falling in-_

His eyes shoot wide open at the buzz of his phone, opening it and seeing that it was Emily. He almost frowns at it, but pushes it all aside and buries all the previous thoughts.

**"I won't be able to meet you halfway. You're going to have to go straight to the eatery. You know where, right?"**

It was impossible for him not to. He had memorized all the details ever since Emily planned the meeting. It was all she ever talked about.

**"Yeah, I do."**

**"Great! I'll see you there then <3"**

**"Bye <3"**

He wanted to internally cringe at those emoticons, but he liked his girlfriend enough to do it. After putting his phone back in the pocket of his pants, he leaves his room and wastes no time to walk out the front door.

The last thing he heard was his mother asking him where he was going.  
-  
The aroma of freshly cooked food and brewed coffee greeted him, taking note that it was still before 10 am which meant the breakfast menu was still available. He could get the good pancakes.

He wasn't new to the dining area; the Losers Club liked to eat here together. He and Richie would order the same thing whenever it was breakfast, then different meals for lunch. Only to switch plates when they were almost done.

It wasn't difficult to spot Emily. She looked so different from the others; with her blue shapless shift dress, the drop waist and white collar. Her headband sat atop her hair quite perfectly, and her face didn't have much makeup but she still looked lively.

Emily was truly beautiful. Eddie always said that this was one of the reasons why he dated her, but it always boggled his head in the end. Since it was actually the only exact reason; the rest was..a blur.

But he liked her, don't get him wrong. Despite all the time she stole and playing deaf, she was kind..and..well, she said yes to Eddie's date proposal back then so he supposed there's that.

He disliked times where he began to have thoughts like this; he didn't want to seem rude. They have been dating for just a few weeks anyways, it'll all come down eventually.

_Yeah. It'll all come down eventually._

He makes his way to her with a smile, and he hasn't even noticed the guy sitting next to her. Emily only realized her boyfriend had arrived when Eddie was with them, gesturing for him to sit down quickly.

"This is my long-life best friend, Pat!"

She was heavily enthusiastic about him, so Eddie made sure to have a good impression and put on a kind smile. Even if it did hurt his face, a lot.

"Hi I'm Eddie."

"Oh I _know._ Emily told me about you on our way here."

"Sorry I couldn't walk with you, Eddie. I wanted to see Pat as soon as possible!"

 _Was this the one from gradeschool or nursery?_ Eddie quietly thinks to himself, recalling the wave of stories Emily had shared in all their dates and chats and _everything_. He honestly had no clue who he was.

"Oh that's okay, the walk here was nice."

It was a mumble that disappeared into thin air, because the other two began talking again. Eddie didn't really mind, if they were childhood friends then the catching up was normal.  
-  
It had been exactly 15 minutes since he last spoke.

The lack of communication on his side didn't jerk him, but the feeling that _he_ was the third-wheeler made him uneasy. At this point, he was just poking at the pancakes he couldn't finish anymore.

To be fair, Richie would eat half of them which made it easier for Eddie to finish his plate. Richie never ate breakfast at his house when they planned hangouts at the eatery, so he was usually starving.

But now, without assistance, he could barely get another bite in. At least he was halfway done. He wasn't able to catch up with whatever was happening, but the latter finished their food already.

His thoughts wondered endlessly, from random facts to narrating other events around him. It was weird how he didn't feel frustrated with them, how he was just awkwardly squirming. If he had the chance to, Eddie would probably just sneak out and go back home.

_Or go to Richie's._

He puts down his fork at the thought. Eddie slightly frowns and begins to worry about Richie; the guilt rising in his chest again. He really wanted to stay and help him that time. Eddie knew Richie would do the same, even if he wouldn't benefit at all.

Richie would do anything for Eddie.

And he wishes he could say likewise, but he knew there wouldn't be enough evidence to back it up. Thinking about the cold-like reply Richie texted him, his frown deepens. Even if it is a long shot, Eddie really hoped that his best friend wasn't mad.

"Hey, Eds, you okay?"

He wasn't so sure, but it felt like his heart twisted at the nickname.

" _Don't call me that_."

He hadn't realize it. It didn't sink into his head that Pat stared with shock and Emily glared daggers. Until he noticed the lack of a witty quip and a familiar laugh; his eyes slightly widen and his mouth blurt out words.

"I-I'm sorry I-"

"Oh it's uh..it's alright? I was just about to say that we should go; let me walk you both out."

Pat said while scratching the back of his neck, scooting out of his seat and Eddie shuffling out of his own. Emily swiftly follows, passing by Eddie and approaching Pat. Probably going to apologize on his behalf.

While his girlfriend cleared his side, he thought back to what had happened. Eddie, who definitely knew that it was _not_ Richie, replied snarkily at his girlfriend's best friend. Because it was instinct of him to do so when called 'Eds'.

Because it was supposed to be Richie.

After not hearing it from him for so long, it just felt absolutely right at the moment. It was like being pulled back into the arms of bliss, knowing he was back to where he was before.

Anything would bring him back really, be it a stupid nickname or a comical comment. He knew it was his fault that he felt detached, but having a memory replay itself was so relieving. Like he never left.

Like they were still there.

Eddie's frown returns but this was traced with anger; directed to himself. He did this to himself, didn't he?

Oblivious to his surroundings, Emily annoyingly pokes him several times. Eddie looks at her and the glare never left, he tries to put on an apologetic look but she was already walking away.

"I can't believe you did that. What's so wrong with a nickname, Eddie?"

 _It just didn't feel right._ He wanted to say it, but it never left his mouth. They were on their way back to Emily's, he was assuming.

Time really flies by when you're not included to whatever the hell is happening to you. Eddie felt more of a chaperone than a boyfriend, like it was their meet-up not a group meet-up. Oh well.

"Sorry, Em."

"So you can nickname me but no one else can to you?"

The argument had no direction and Eddie knew well enough to just stay quiet, to wait it out until Emily ran out of words to beat him up with. It didn't take too long, anyways.

Emily went on about how much the meet-up meant to her, for them to get to know each other better. Eddie had said so many arguments back but only in his head, almost paying no attention to the hangout that he ruined? He wasn't so sure anymore.

It went silent when Emily decided to stop semi-screaming, arms crossed on her chest and visibly agitated. Eddie didn't say anything nor did she.

The walk seemed to have taken longer, because Eddie was able to count more details than usual. The silence turned into comfort for the mess in his head; which he hasn't really cared for yet.

Emily was still upset, but she sighed loudly when they were a few blocks away. She stops walking which made Eddie halt and turn, watching the same expression from earlier somehow worsen.

"My family's going on a trip this Tuesday. You should come with us."

"I've already met your family though?"

It was a stupid reply, but he didn't want to go. Out of all the mess ups he's already done, disappointing Richie _again_ on a special day would take the crown.

"Yeah, so?"

"Sorry but..the school play?"

"What about it? Just don't go. I bet half of the school doesn't even care about it."

There were too many words that wanted to escape, but the cat got his tongue. He was rendered speechless. Emily didn't even take too long to scoff again and move forward, not even turning back.

"Go home, Eddie. I'll see you tomorrow."  
-  
The walk home felt like a drag.

All he could think about was how he had to make a decision even though the answer was obvious. But he wasn't taking it, no, he wanted to go. With Emily.

He knew it was a sharp turn, a derailing in his life. Richie would probably get so upset with him, because not only did he ditch on their rehearsals; but now he's considering on not going at all.

What kind of person did he want to be, right?

He sprinted for his room the second he stepped through the front door, pacing around as if this was the hardest decision of his life.

_It shouldn't be!_

He yells at himself, the truth burning him like acid. He was the one talking about being nostalgic and the one self-loathing because of becoming distant, why was he so reluctant on staying for the play?

Eddie draws out the comparison in his head; if he goes, he gets to impress his girlfriend and probably get close with the family. That's great, fantastic.

On the other hand, he will carry around a burden of being quite possibly the worst person ever. And if it was flipped, he'd lose Emily.

He had to lose something–or someone, rather–either way. And he knew, deep in his heart, he knew who he wanted to keep.

Eddie pulls out the phone from his pocket, robotically dialing a number.

_Okay, this will be easy. It's gonna be alright. I'll just let myself and the fucking universe drive it._

His phone rang for the moment, his heart basically wanting to jump out of his chest. Who did he call? Why was he acting as if he'd be able to handle the situation? Eddie slowly began to break apart again, almost hanging up until-

"Hello?"

Eddie almost choked on his own spit, stopping dead in his tracks and–once again–grows speechless.

"R-richie?"

"Yeah I mean..why do you sound so surprised? You called me."

_Because I thought it was going to be Emily! Fuck okay, that's alright. Just say wrong number._

"I have..some bad news."

_Kaspbrak you fucking idiot._

"I don't have rehearsals anymore; generals is tomorrow."

Eddie felt like his guts twist severely when the half-ass laugh rang in, knowing that Richie was fed up with the ditching and whatnot.

"I-it's not that.."

He had to sit down on his bed, playing with the hem of his sweater and sweating profusely because..what the fuck was he doing? Eddie can't seem to stop whatever was happening, to him this was the right decision.

Like this was what is supposed to happen.

"Oh okay, what's up Eds?"

His heart wasn't so sure of how long it could manage until now. _See that's how it's supposed to be._ Hearing that from Richie; he wanted to believe that everything was back to normal. That nothing would be lost after this call.

Eddie couldn't say it, he really shouldn't anyways. He had no idea why it was Richie's number that he dialed, or what he was doing. He has no clue as to why his heart felt like it was trembling and why his eyes were absolutely glimmering.

He just didn't know.

"I..Emily and her family invited me for a trip.."

_Kaspbrak don't you fucking dare._

"Oh that's nice, when?"

"Tuesday.."

Richie fell silent with him.

It felt like he was Atlas; but the failure version because he legitimately was about to let go and just allow everything to fall. Especially after what he had done.

"Well I mean, you're not going right?"

He wanted to say yes. Eddie never wanted to say yes so much before; he yearned to yell it out and not disappoint his best friend for the hundreth time. He wanted to be a good person for him; Eddie just had to say yes.

But the silence was heavier and his mouth was closed shut. Richie almost scoffed at him, wanting to get mad but only resulting with another question.

"I-That's why you called? Because you _are_ going?"

Okay scratch that; Eddie never wanted to say no so much before.

"Rich, it's just-"

" _Woah,_ okay buck. Don't call me that."

It sounded like he was mocking him, and it was supposed to hurt Eddie but what pained him more was the sincere betrayal and disappointment Richie's words were traced with.

Eddie didn't know what to say. Well, actually, he did but his brain was crushed and his heart malfunctioned all too much already. He knew the play meant a lot to Richie; it was an achievement no one ever expected. It was one of his proudest moment.

"You can go. She's your goddamn girlfriend."

Before he could alter the ending, Richie hung up.

At that point, he truly felt like the failed Atlas. He physically felt the weight on his shoulders, all the guilt and disappointment finally falling into one perfect place.

The silence was so daring that it actually hurt his ears, he wanted scream and hope that maybe it would be loud enough for Richie to hear. For him to know the regret Eddie felt.

He threw his phone aside, burying his head in his hands and trying to figure out what to do.

Eddie never wanted to lose or upset Richie, no, that was not in the plan. That wasn't what he thought about earlier; Emily was not the person he wanted to keep.

He stopped sulking for a moment, repeating the previous thought and scrunching up his face in confusion. _Emily is not the person he wanted to keep._

What was that supposed to mean? Why did it not hurt when he thought about leaving his girlfriend? Eddie stared into nothing, trying to piece together what the hell was happening to his emotions. Or to himself in general.

Did..did he just not like her?

_No. I do like her. I asked her out and everything._

It was a self-started debate. He was sat there arguing with his own thoughts and honestly; he could go insane. Eddie kept on trying to figure out ways to confirm that, yes he does like her. And he did. Truly.

He wasn't an all-out asshole; Eddie was genuine when he said he liked her. He felt happy when he asked her out, and her smile also does shit to him that he could never understand. Eddie _had_ to like her.

So..why was he okay with losing her?

Okay maybe, he was being over-dramatic with the word 'lose'. He wouldn't lose her if he chose not to go; she'd be very upset and Eddie would be tasked to do so much in order to make up for it. And he just didn't want to go through all that-

_Wait a minute..I'm her boyfriend, shouldn't I be willing to do quite literally anything for her forgiveness and all that shit?_

_Backfire._ He groans lightly, shifting so that he could lay down on his bed and rest his head. The fact that he didn't want to put so much effort for Emily, it confused him to a great deal.

He wanted to believe that he liked her; that he wanted this relationship to last. But..

_Damn..she deserves someone so much better._

It would be fair for him to just grow and be that person that she deserves, because that's what he should do if he wants them to work out. But something deep down inside him, an unknown oddity he never acknowledged, told him that it just was not right.

Eddie's confused features lose its tension, expressions turning soft and releasing a tired sigh. Maybe that's why she's so over the top sometimes; because he's a terrible boyfriend.

He wasn't the one for Emily; he couldn't be.

Eddie rolls over on his bed, burying his face into his pillow and almost screeching. _Do I have to break her heart too and leave her?_

He had probably broken the world record of most fuck ups in a day. Maybe it was for the best; she did also steal Eddie away from his friends most of the time. From Richie.

_Oh dear fuck.._

Eddie's mind wandered back to the phone call, heart breaking as he remembered how sad Richie sounded.

He always hated when Richie wasn't happy; when all he could see was a deadpan expression and a touch of nicotine. It always broke him when the other was upset, it was worse than anything else.

And now that he was the reason, it made him want to crawl in a hole and die slowly. It was only a few times where he'd upset Richie, but Eddie always made sure to make up for it and to never do it again.

But now, he was so certain that there was nothing to fix it. He really wished to just head out and bike all the way to his house; to apologize and see his best friend smile sincerely at him.

Because that's probably what Richie would have done if he fucked up. Eddie knew his window would be locked though; why would he keep it open? He hasn't dropped by for a while now.

His heart felt completely empty and he despised it. It was self-inflicted pain, Eddie knew that.

Drifting back to Emily, he became exasperated.

"Am I really going to do that to her?"

It even sounded more hurtful when he said it aloud. He couldn't even imagine what Emily's reaction would be; it'd be right for her to call him an asshole. Not only did he fail to be a good partner, he also ends up leaving her.

Eddie likes to think that it's for her own good. Because if he can't be the person for Emily, then he'll let her be with someone she deserves. Right? _Maybe Pat. I don't know._

At this point, he decided to pull off a move and ring for one of his friends. They're literally the only people who ever understood him, the only ones who knew how to listen.

_And you drove them away. Smart move, Eddie._

He knew who to call for. It wasn't Stan despite being one of the wisest, no, he talked to Richie already and he didn't want to drop another bomb on him.

No, it had to be Bill.

It rung for a few times, anxiety creeping up on him because; _Fuck what's he going to say?_

He hoped Bill wasn't mad. Despite being distant and keeping no mobile communication, he still wished for Bill to not be mad. Eddie talked to him the most about his problems, aside from Richie of course.

"Eddie?"

"Oh my god you picked up."

The shock in his voice made him mentally face palm, what a great start.

"Yeah o-of cuh-course. Is so-something wrong?"

He bit his bottom lip, wanting to just drop everything down and rant about all his mistakes. He also wanted to apologize and explain himself, but he had to ease it all in.

"Quite..everything. Yeah. I think I may have to break up with Emily. Also Richie's angry with me. And I also-"

_Great, nice going._

"W-wait. What?"

"Which one..?"

Cringing at himself, he sighs.

"B-break u-up?"

"I'm terrible to Emily. It's just not going to be me. She deserves someone..better. And I would normally be that person who'd try but..it feels..not right."

Bill grows silent in small shock. At least that's what Eddie assumes. He would be too; imagine hearing someone want to break up with the person they were persistent on asking out.

_Oh fuck I am an asshole._

Eddie didn't want to be. He just wanted..something right. At the time, he thought dating her was the best thing yet. But now, he realized that he was just clowning himself.

"W-why is Ri-Richie mad?"

 _"_ Emily wanted me to go with her on a family trip on Tuesday. I, begrudgingly, told Richie and I couldn't..really..change the way it was going."

"B-but you are guh-going right? T-to the pl-play?"

"If I do break up with her..then yeah."

"W-wait..what m-made you th-think you w-weren't right fuh-for Emily?

Eddie's eyebrows furrow.

"I..I don't know. It was after the call where I broke Richie and I started thinking and I just..It didn't feel right. I realized how little effort I put in for Emily and..that's not right."

"S-so..you re-realized you w-weren't the o-one for Emily w-when you br-broke Richie's heart?"

"Yeah..?"

Eddie wasn't so good at putting the pieces together. He stopped trying to a long time ago, because it was tiring him.

Just then, he could hear Bill call someone over. That 'someone' being Stan, because he apparently came over to his boyfriend's house. Eddie wanted to end it immediately, expecting Stan to get mad at him for everything.

But he didn't.

"Hey Eddie?"

"H-hi, Stan."

"Yeah. You're breaking up with Emily?"

"I..suppose so. I have to, I think. I don't know."

Stan sounded like he was rushing, like he was trying to get straight to the point but also making sure Eddie was following him closely.

"You said it was because you felt like something wasn't right, yes?"

He could only assume that he was in speaker phone awhile ago. Eddie felt like his soul was on fire, he had no idea what Stan was trying to get through to him.

"Yeah I mean.."

"You know, Eddie, if you want something that feels right.."

He stopped talking, as if turning to Bill or something. Eddie could hear them whispering to each other, but not able to make out any word. It sounded like Bill was reprimanding him of something though, like Stan was about to do something illegal.

"..you should think about what you had with Richie a few years ago. I know you felt it too."

After he said it, Eddie could hear them silently arguing. He assumed Bill was trying to snatch his phone back, from all the movement and bickering.

"I-I'm sorry a-about that. A-are you..o-okay, Eddie?"

Eddie wasn't so sure. For the first time, his mind was completely empty. He didn't know what to say, to them and even to himself. He didn't even know if Stan was to be believed of.

He could only hear Bill say a goodbye and an apology on behalf of Stan, then hanging up. It didn't change much, he still laid still on his bed.

It was difficult to admit, but this was something he hid a long time ago. Stan, not surprisingly, was right. He _did_ feel it, Eddie didn't know what it was but he felt it. He felt it everytime he was with Richie.

It was always with Richie, and it was different but it felt so absolutely right. But he forced it all down when no one spoke up, when they hit highschool and still they never progressed.

Younger Eddie wanted something more. He wanted to be able to do so much more with Richie, because all those small moments they had together felt too unreal. He wanted things like that to last.

He wanted him and Richie to last.

Present Eddie wasn't so sure of what he wanted anymore. After having Emily in his life, he was able to push it all aside. He had a girlfriend who he believed was going to give him the same feeling, but she didn't.

It was a pill too difficult to swallow. He wanted to have the same feeling with her, because they were actually able to accomplish a relationship. He wanted the same giddy, heart aching, and mind melting feeling with her.

But it just never happened.

He stares at the ceiling in complete awe, letting everything fall but slowly. It wasn't hitting him all at once, no, it was like snowflakes gracefully landing on his face.

"Why.."

He wanted to question so many things, but he couldn't form a proper one. He just wanted to know what that feeling was called; what he felt years ago with Richie, and why he couldn't have it with Emily.

He liked Emily, didn't he? He said so himself. He also told her and his friends, so what was wrong? The feeling of giddy and pure joy was different with Emily and different with Richie.

But what was the difference? Why couldn't he just stay and work it out with Emily? Why does he have to leave? _Why does it have to be with Richie?_

The questions came in unanswered. He wasn't so sure if he wanted one. He really wanted to clear it out with Emily, because it helped him forget about whatever he felt with Richie. But it just won't. And he's starting to believe that he won't be able to suppress it any longer.

He cranes his head to the direction of his window; he never locked it.

Eddie's frown was deep enough for a sea expedition, he still hoped that Richie would burst in at any second. And they'd argue about Tuesday and he'd be able to tell him:

_"No, I'm going to the play, Trashmouth!"_

He'd be able to see Richie's frown turn into a wide grin, and he'd...he'd feel it again. He'll feel his insides burn and his heart turn, he'd be absolutely smitten.

_Oh.._

And at that moment, he realized it. What the difference was. Why it was going to always be different with Richie, why it was something he can't ever hide. Why it was something so right.

He liked Emily, yes, truly he did. But Richie Tozier? He loved him. He was undeniably in-love.

_I love him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I!!! struggled so much writing this chapter. This is basically unaware pining until the ending. I had a hard time writing Eddie's part because he didn't know he was in-love until the ending. Aware pining is what I think I'm good at:(
> 
> I'm seriously sorry if this is bad! I will see if I can re-write in the future 😔💓
> 
> Edit: By the way! I recently re-opened my tumblr account and it would be nice to have some I.T fans or people to talk to in general! @lucifershine :)


	4. not an update but!

Hi!!

Sorry I haven't published the next chapter, I am still writing it!! I also have to work on year-end requirements so please do bare with me 💓

I also will be working on _another_ reddie short fic so after I finish this, I will be reddie once more hehehe

I just want to say thank you for taking the time to read this! I may not be as good or as well-known as others but as this is my first time publishing..this means a lot :)

Please take care! I promise to update 💓


End file.
